It’s been a while since I wrote here. It’s been a crazy two years for me with massive personal changes and challenges as a consequence. Whilst this post might come across a little cryptic in the sense that I don’t want to go into exact details; I thought I needed a place to share somewhat of is going on with me. Viola, I still have a blog.
I can only express my feelings in terms of loss. The equivalent of loosing someone close to you. Very close.
I had a big decision to make. I knew I’d be making this decision for the better part of 10 years and the time had finally come to do it. I spent a good year hashing things out in my head and working up the courage to get on with it.
This was going to be the biggest and most important decision of my life up until this point. It had to be done but at the same time this decision would affect the rest of my life for the better or be it for the worse. At the same time this would mean I loose somethings that are very dear to me.
After spending a good year stressing about it, one particular day it simply happened and the decision was made for me. It was a magical moment and everything seemed to fit perfectly into place. For a good month afterward there was this extreme feeling of bliss.
I was on top of the world. Then things got really good. The future made sense and felt like everything up until this point was not a waste.
Again without going into too much details, I found a new path- a new “new” – and I have to admit it was too good to be true. Turns out when your gut tells you that it most likely is.
Then I crashed. Everything fell apart for me a week ago. Boy oh boy did it knock me back a few good steps and hit me hard, you have no idea. I realised I’ve just experienced loss twice in a five month period. Im gutted.
Worst part is nothing I can do can undue it, make it hurt less or change the outcome to come. Everything had to happen I guess especially the reason why I am in the position in the first place. This does not change my “in hindsights view” as would have done it all over again.
This is in itself is as brutal for one’s mental state as the decision in the first place and the consequences including the second loss. But in the all the doom and gloom there is a lesson to be learnt and it’s beautiful.
So one morning you wake up and at your low of lows you realize shit happens and nothing could be changed or undone. You get up numb and go about your business. By day end you are a mess again and ready for much needed sleep.
This state “day in day out” with no recourse or signs of letting up albeit a week in, is something that drives me knowing it would change any coming day.
I’m usually very quick to recover and I it’s decision time again. This time I realized that I have moved very fast in the bliss stages. I let myself go a little to quickly for what I could most likely have handled at the time. This most likely is the reason for my second loss.
In hindsight I see that I may not have been prepared mentally, physically and emotionally for what I was setting out for. Like running a marathon without the proper training, eating and preparation before, during and afterward.
It’s a night like tonight that I find myself alone with my thoughts and I remember talking to a mate as a kid. We wanted to open a service center that would make cars go really fast. We talked turbos and the like when my old man leans over and says, “to go fast you need gas”.